March 24th, 2007

I first want to say it is good to be back. I have been gone for a long time. I have missed my daily or almost daily talks with you all. I am back now and will be writing daily as journaling in and of itself is very therapeutic for everyone. I encourage all of you who read my journaling to try it yourself. It takes a while to get into the habit of journaling but if you do it right before bed it is good timing. Everything is quieted down and we all should take a few minutes to reflect on our day to see if we have learned anything new, maybe while you go through your day you will find something you would have missed if you didn’t have a reflection time. You might pick up on something your child said that needs further investigation, something your mate said, something you did or didn’t do that could have made a positive difference in your day and someone else’s day. I have been doing journaling since I was about 10 years old. I started it because I had no one to talk to so I made up this guardian Angel named her Angie (how original) and I wrote to her every night right before bed. It became a part of my life and helped me grow, find insight, learn sooo much about myself and why things happened the way they did throughout the day. It was like stepping outside myself and doing a self evaluation. I saw things and learned things I would maybe have gotten in time but got so much faster and to me much more meaningful to help put the pieces of the puzzle called my life together.

I can not encourage you enough to try journaling. It has been proven by the APA to be very therapeutic in helping people work through their emotions, issues and find solutions to their problems. I try to get all my kids that I counsel to journal. The one’s who stick with it really do grow into more enlightened young adults and are able to process through their issues with more ability to see the big picture and not just come from their ego’s. OK that is my little sermon for tonight. On to the next step of my journey I hope you are all warmed up and ready to start again. We have a long way to go. I have discovered much while I was away. I have had some major revelations and have some new challenges that have made my journey much harder.

I want to focus on being deaf as that seems to be in the for front right now as far as wiping out my life, a lot of my self confidence and taking me down to where I am back into being a victim.

I have used my therapy and am working my way out of it but out of all the challenges with my health deafness seems to be the worst and hardest to come to terms with and find a new life around. Going deaf later in life is very different from being born deaf. It is a whole different loss and should be in a category of its own because the differences are so great.

I went deaf 2 years ago. After two years I have gotten no where. One the state I live in Arizona is way behind in providing anything for the deaf or disabled. I take the deaf newsletter from About.com which has helped me learn more than anything else. I have been to the State Department for the deaf and compared to other states it is not up to standards or information. I have been through Vocational Rehab here and just found out from About.com that there is much from the federal government to offer me that they did not tell me about. In fact they did nothing to help me. I am not making it financially which is a very scary position to be in under any circumstances much less ill and deaf. I have tried to find help every where and get very little response mostly “we just don’t have that.” I am also at fault because I gave in to my deafness and lost so much of my self confidence because of how much going deaf later in life takes from you. No one seems to know how to help prepare me for being deaf. I have been to counselors and they know nothing as far as how to handle helping someone like me. For a long time I thought it was just me and after reading an article by someone who writes about deafness especially those of us who go deaf later in life. I find I have so much research to do, so much to learn and that there is help out there for me and other deaf people lots of Federal help. I am going to go to work on it tomorrow as I am going down financially so fast. I have thousands of dollars in medial bills. I want to work. I have the degrees, the experience but I can only work from home with my disabilities. I have everything set up for my business but no money to get it going. I mean it is a joke to me that when you are in the worst position you can imagine you are expected to do all this work to find help just to keep from being on the streets. If I was well enough to do all the work expected of me to find the help I need I could work full time outside my home. It is a catch 22. But it comes down to either I save myself or I don’t get saved. I have never felt so alone, so helpless and so lost in all my life. My assets are that I have my knowledge and the therapy I developed to hold on to and help bring me up to where I can at least keep my mental stable. I know more than most people around here on how to help me find myself again and how to find peace and new coping skills for my new life. I refuse to go down with this. I deserve the same opportunities and treatment as someone with money or who is well. I am not getting either.

It will be slow as I can only do so much a day with my physical illnesses. I have no help and am in an area I know very little about and can not find anyone who knows how to help me. I find it to be a much colder and less caring world than I want to believe. Here I teach kids to believe and that people do care that is what I represent to them. They feel it from me and from my websites. I have been planting seeds of hope and dreams come true with teens world wide. Now I am not so sure. I must prove myself right. I can’t be the only one who cares and goes way out of their way to find the answers when I don’t know them. I teach the kids how to find their answers. So now I must teach me how to find my answers.

I start my quest now with this first writing.

I will take you with me step by step as I pursue knowledge, teach myself how to learn how to be a later in life deaf person. I will share how I teach myself new coping and life skills so that I can make a new life for myself.

I will fight for my rights and get the help I need until I can make it on my own. I will share the work I do daily to try and regain some of my health back since the doctors here say there is nothing that can be done for me except to keep me comfortable. I can not buy into that kind of thinking.

I will do what I can each day making priorities, seeking information, writing people to find out what is available for me. I am going to try and learn how to do close captioning as a way to support myself until I get my business running and my book finished. The stress I am under with having to do everything myself and unable to find any support or guidance in and of itself is too much and is taking a major toll on keeping me from getting better physically. I mean there is a Mayo clinic here, the big Mayo and I couldn’t get any help there but they sure are coming after me for their money. They actually think I am just holding out on them. For what I have no idea but their treatment to me has been terrible, so heartless. The medical profession is the only profession I know that you pay whether you get help or not. I think that needs to be changed. There needs to be some accountability because it leaves the patients with no recourse. Then you owe them and still have to seek more medical care because they didn’t help you so you keep owing and paying owing and paying but no results. Where do they need to even care since they know they are going to get paid either way. What is their incentive to help you and follow up to see if they did help you. I don’t know how they pulled that one past us but we better wake up with 78 million baby boomers coming along. There are going to be more sick and deaf people than ever before. The medical system is already broken and we have no rights. Yes you get a sheet that says you have the right to ask for but read it carefully as it does not promise you any of those rights and they don’t have to deliver them either. There is no watch dogs over the medical system on how much they can charge, again they don’t have to deliver anything and they still have to be paid in full no matter what happens to you the consumer. Something real wrong here friends.

This I will get into more as I have been on both sides of this one and all over this country at the so called “best” hospitals. I have a few wake up calls for you.

Well, I must try to sleep through my pain and stress. Tomorrow I start my new program because I have had my wake up call after reading just what little I have on what I have to fight to get my rights that we pay for in taxes. I wonder where that money is going in Arizona? It sure isn’t helping me Senator John McCain??

It won’t be a boring journey from here on out. I don’t know the outcome. I don’t even know if I will live through it but we will find out what is out there and how to get the information. Then we will see just what the government does with those tax dollars for the disabled.

Glad to be back even though I don’t envy myself and all that I have to do and a body that isn’t up to being able to do much each day. BUT I will do all I can each day, make priorities and most of all use my therapy and develop a new health plan to find my way out of this nightmare.

Again I refuse to give in and just lay down and die. I got work to do, seeds to plant in the next generation, a book to get out and a therapy to share with everyone that works for the issues of the 21st century. I guarantee it. I would love to find someone famous with money to teach it to so I could prove that this therapy is the best there is today for today’s issues. I would not charge a penny and I would guarantee it. That is a lot from someone who needs the financial income terribly, but I am so sure of this therapy and so are the kids that I have helped over the past 7 years it is not a risk. I just need a chance to prove it and get it out there to all of you who want to have a life that you can solve all of your own problems and make your life work your way. We will see how it works with me though doing self therapy isn’t acceptable proof. There will still be no denying it if I make it right? But if there is anyone out there who wants to take me up on my challenge that in 6 weeks I can teach them how to solve all their own problems and make life work their way I think that would be the best way to get my book published and that is all I want to do. I want to leave it behind to help those who want help and to change their lives so they find all that they want in this life and within themselves. But I doubt anyone much reads this Blog so I doubt I get many rich or famous people. I hope I get better and do get my book published so you can try it if you want to. It is self taught and works for life. At least you will see it in action with my journey as it is what I am putting all my faith in to overcome my challenges, re-invent myself and make a new life within my limitations.

We shall see.

Night All and It is good to be back,

Talk to you tomorrow, have a great day and count your blessings,

Mary-Anne

No Comments »