Good Day Fellow Travelers.

I am sorry I did not do my entry for two days. I had some very overwhelming news on Monday about my physical condition. See I have been searching for these 19 years, one for a competent medical specialist. Not just one who could help me but just one who would take the time, really knew their stuff and who backed those two things up with doing them. I truly can tell you I didn’t find one until now which is really a sad testimony to our medical system, but it is true.

Now I finally have one and he is an amazing doctor. It is like starting from the beginning in some ways, yet I bring with me a long history that can not be denied. This includes bringing with me years of terrible trauma, abuse and from conflicting realities inflicted by our health care system, family, friends, strangers and myself.

I will tell you what I have found out that took me back to where I couldn’t write for a couple of days. After this entry I want to address a much larger picture I want to get into about two different realities that always emerge from whatever happens to me personally. I do like that about my journey. Really it happens in everyone’s life as they come up against obstacles or challenges but I am not sure how cognizant people are of these constant parallels that are in play whether we choose them or not. I will come back to these two realities tomorrow.

First, I went to the specialist I finally found after 19 years. I have no doubt now that I have found a true medical specialist that he is going to finally, put all the pieces of my puzzle together.

The problem that blew me away was what he found on this visit. He tested my nerves with the EMG and all were abnormal meaning that my body has attacked my whole nervous system which of course we all know runs everything in the body, not good. Part of what makes this specialist a really great doctor is that he knew from there that he had to see if it also had attacked my muscles. So he asked, asked can you believe that? I have never had a doctor ask me if I would mind having another test while we are there since it would tell him so much. Of course after all these years of suffering and loss of life I said yes. This time he was taken back. He expected the muscles NOT to be involved but to my unfortunate plight my muscles in both legs and arms (which were all he tested) are also under attack. Who knows how many muscles or if all my muscles are now involved.

I thought I had been through all the emotions that a person could ever experience over these 19 years. I even held up great the rest of Monday, but then I came crashing down Tuesday and went numb.

Here the two largest and most extensive systems that run every part of life itself from the cellular level to the actual movement and functioning of every part of my body are now under attack from whatever is causing this.

So what it boils down to is my whole body is destroying itself on a grand scale. Now I don’t know if it will be slow organ by organ because the nervous system and the muscles run everything. That is what hit Tuesday night. I had this flood of reality set in from my brain processing exactly what we had found out that day. Think about it my fellow travelers. Your heart is a muscle and is conducted with nerves, the lungs, your gastrointestinal, your eyes, your brain. It may not be feasible to know how much of my body is already being destroyed, or at what rate these two life supporting systems will progress, or what route they will take. Can I go blind in a year? Will my heart stop in a month? Will my brain go mushy in 6 months? I don’t know and neither does medical science, unfortunately. Naturally, it is coming down to the conclusion that the true cause, what path and what speed this progressive malfunctioning of my messenger system to my whole body will take, will stay an unknown variable. Then to finish me off, because there is muscle involvement he said it tips the scale from being the “treatable” autoimmune cause to the “untreatable” cause or even a third unknown.

At least with the autoimmune I could have had the antibodies that could have slowed down this self destroying process. Now it will be only supportive measures and in my mind up to me to find a way to fight and live.

Watching his lips say this just took away my everything. I was a walking zombie Tuesday and Wednesday. I am a little better today but still everything seems so surreal. I can not take it all in yet. It is too much.

I have more tests to go through but all of the rest of the tests are to try and find the root cause. But no matter the root cause the results stay the same. He has already alluded to that by saying there was nothing “I” could do to make a difference. Like, I asked him if the exercising I am doing to try and fight for my muscles to come back and to gain control over my muscles would make a difference. He clearly said “no” but continue them they can’t hurt. I figure it is a psychological thing he is trying to give me a sense of control over something.

I want the truth and I have no doubt I will come to terms and peace with all of this but I want to share the interim with you. I think it is important to share the process at least that I go through to get from victim back to victor.

First, I have to take it to the worst possible light, which is this. It is like I have MS, Parkinson’s and ALS all wrapped up in one body all working on me at the same time. This description would take anyone down to doom and gloom. Like I said it is all too much to let in. My mind is letting me know that by going numb. But my subconscious is working in overdrive trying to use all my skills, faith and knowledge to bring me back to sanity and the making of a new reality base. Once I get my new reality base then I have a foundation to take me from victim back to a victor.

In the mean time I am just letting go. I do trust my inner self and the inborn process of life. I know all the natural processes that I have discovered that we all possess do work and will work. As all that is working behind the scenes subconsciously, I am consciously working on what this new reality means to me and my life. I do know that I am going to change my plans, my attitude, my whole perspective about me. My life is changing without my intervening so it must need to happen. I also know that again, I will have to re-invent Mary-Anne because everything has changed. I have much to face, yet I also have to be aware that something could happen without warning to where I don’t want to put too much time into changing and miss out on living.

I have much to think and feel so that I can clear up and decipher what is true and what is my emotional take on my new reality. It will be more difficult this time because so many variables are involved and so much will be left without answers. Unfortunately, I am an answer person making this a whole new way of thinking and processing so that I can come to the place where no matter what I don’t know, I am going to focus on what am I going to do with what I do know. Most of all I must teach myself how to learn to live with so many unknowns.

I think one of the amazing parts of this journey is being the person with the problem or challenge then being able to be who I turn to for the answers. I knew without knowing that all the answers to my life, as with your life, are instilled from birth inside of me and I could and do tap into that source at any time. That is what got me into doing what I do now and what brought about the writing of my book. I have been told too many times that I can take anything, look at it and bring to light the resolutions and step by step process to bring about the results for any thing that anyone brings to me. It is quite a gift I was given and I thank God for it. I am not sure I have ever been told I was wrong and I have helped well over a thousand people world wide. It is like being Psychologically Psychic J.

I remember back to eight years old being able to listen to this voice inside of me that was an adult, very wise and very loving. She knew how to talk to me and resolve anything that I asked or was going through. I was so young I didn’t know any better so I made her out to be my guardian angel and named her Angie. I turned to her for everything throughout my life. Funny I never thought I would tell you about this, but it is true and she has never been wrong yet. Now I haven’t always listened as I am human and stubborn so I have made plenty of mistakes but only because I chose not to listen to my inner voice and do what my “ego” wanted to do.

I learned how to discover and develop this voice in anyone and created a therapy around what I discovered. I was then able to teach anyone how to tap into their inner voice and the skills to make their life happen for them.

I have found that teens and young adults are the easiest to teach. I have been teaching these skills and empowerment for the past 7 years on line free to teens and young adults. They flock to it and I have had amazing results.

So I wrote it all down into a manuscript but am stuck because I am not well enough to edit it. It sits behind me here in my study. It needs so desperately to be published. It could change the lives of teens and young adults around the world as it has been doing through my web site these past 7 years. But I need to make a living as I get nothing but disability which covers hardly anything and the more my body breaks down the more medications it is going to take to keep me alive. I was so hoping to publish my book and use the money from it to support myself and keep my business going for my kids (the teens and young adults) free. It is also what I live for. It would be my reason to fight for my life. There is no greater reward to me than to help these kids and to be apart of their transformation from troubled youths or delinquents to healthy, happy, achievers with goals that are now positive productive young people of the next generation.

What could be a greater profession or legacy my friends?

Pray that I make this happen. It has been my dream for as long as I can remember. It is all I think about other than growing and evolving into the most loving and beautiful spirit called Mary-Anne.

Well, I am getting too intimate maybe so I shall stop here.

I have much to work through. I am also grieving deeper than I ever have. I hurt so bad inside and honestly I don’t want to be going through this. How I wish I had, had a different fate. I am holding on to what I wrote on my front page my friends, that no matter what is now, I must believe the best is yet to come.

Tomorrow I am going to write an entry about one of my “soap boxes” because it keeps smacking me right between the eyes almost daily and that has always meant that it is something that I must work out and find an answer to. So I will talk to you tomorrow about this.

Good night and thank you for coming, you are my strength right now. I am holding on to you until I can stand again.

Your fellow traveler,

Mary-Anne

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